Syd and Jim’s Diary
Day 8 (cause yesterday we didn’t do one!)
Jim – Oh hell its nearly time to go its gone so fast but during the time we were here we have done so much and seen so much that no one can say I have slept through this holiday! This diary is an amalgamation of the last two days as one day was not quite full enough to hold your attention! Now however we have seen things that will interest you, make you laugh and maybe even cry! The BBQ we had, had a few differences in as much as we didn’t have a bbq at all it was more of a pan and an oven affair! I had my own keg of beer and was in man meat heaven!
Syd – The BBQ stroke oven affair was really nice we had a variety of meat that we bought very cheaply from L’Eclerc. Jim excelled himself in the kitchen department as always. He also wouldn’t leave his keg alone hugging it at every opportunity and drinking out of its funnel!
Jim – We went back to the truck stop for the next lunch we had! Remember the Ostrich? This time it was a little less of a shock to hear what we were eating it was either porc or poulet and I chose le porc! It came in a huge vat and was massive bits of pig that had been boiled in a rich stew on the hob for a month! This time I didn’t have any truckers staring at me either which was nice but there was a large mammal from the sea on the opposite table. In fact he was there both times and because I saw him again I looked a little harder! He is a walrus he has the tash and the girth both and seemed to be speaking in a walrus type of French even my dad and Mary didn’t recognise! He waddled out with his walrus wife half way through!
I paid the bill with our money and the owner was suitably impressed that I knew how much he had asked for and gave him the exact change instead of leaving a wadge of notes and telling him to sort it! I was very proud I felt all grown up paying the bill and conversing avec le proprietor!
Syd – Once again the truck stop was an interesting place to eat though the food wasn’t as exciting as last time no large weird birds for dinner just a normal chicken done very well. Because of last times experience I knew I had to be quick on the cheese board my naivety had gone and as soon as I saw that plate of squidgy mould make its way to our table I was on it like a fly on shit!
The English In their droves have also found this obscure little eatery, we all love a truck stop!! I’m not sure that the owner is too impressed with his gaff full of English but there you go he is making money, so he cant complain.
Jim – The next day we went back to Bill’s bar my favourite eatery in France! Bill told us two stories one where there was a snake under his mates decking! He struggled for about five minutes to remember the word for decking ie “decking!” “The snake was from the lamp to here!” he said and looked a little scared! What? they have boa constrictors in France do they? Bloody hell its time to go home! The other was the fact that his wife Phil who makes the lovely food almost burned down the whole district by cooking in her garden! All we could talk about was whether the fire brigade needed to be paid in France? Do they? If you set fire to the world do you have to pay for it?
Syd – Ah Bills bar. This place is great. It makes me laugh very much. The food is good. Bills story about the snake was hilarious; he went on to worry about waking up with a snake in your bed laying next to you. I was trying to control fits of giggles as Bill seemed very serious about this. (Note: Our garden snake hasn’t reappeared since Jims last sighting, but there is something living in one of the bushes, every time I walk past it, it moves and the dogs keep sticking there noses in there)
………Jim’s beer keg I’ve just been told is empty…..he is now very sad……….
Anyway back to Bills bar! After the main course Bill goes and sneezes all over the bread he is cutting. The three ladies on the table behind us all stare in horror as he places that bread on our table. Fortunately everyone had, had enough, except Jim who was un-aware of Bills nasal incident. He had some with his cheese, from the most uninspiring and depressing cheese board I have ever seen. I’m sorry but the cheese boards of France have become a little obsession of mine since being here, probably since the French pride themselves on their fromage so much.
Jim- Toad what toad why would you take a picture of that!!? Where was i?
Syd- I got a picture of a toad while Jim was sleeping (Please see slide show below) Cute little thing almost winking at us!
Jim – sadly there are things you have to do when visiting ones father in France! One of these is go meet his friends and usually this is fine but when the invitation came the air smelled a little of cow poo as the place was described to me! It all seemed to sugary a description! The best view in France, the woman is sweet and all is good! Yeah and it turned out to be a nightmare! Best view in France my ass Syd will tell you what happened there! The grandaughter was there with her American mother who both proceeded to pounce on me about tattooing and we found out the 20 year old protégé was seeing a 62 year old teacher of hers and she was all “oh no I don’t want to talk about it!” of course we did talk about it! All my father could ask was “does he have a beard?” I at this point said “Does he wear a fucking hat?” My father is so inane sometimes but I proper forgot where I was and launched the f word! Expecting to be chastised by the old and wise they all collapsed with laughter at the funny tattooed man who had sworn! We finally made our escape but was blocked in by the woman who had lent me her car with her other car! I know she did this on purpose!
Syd – Drinks at Whats its house! Mary and Richard invited us to drinks at there friends house in the next village. To be honest none of us wanted to go. But we did show our faces. We wondered into this very nice house which obviously cost a lot of money and was greeted by Cecelia who was the owner of such property and offered drinks all round. Then we were escorted to the terrace where we were encouraged to take pictures but the camera got bored half way through and decided to pack up. I don’t blame it!………….. Yawn!
Then we were surrounded by lots of people who decided to live our lives for us, by the end of this little drinks party we had moved to France, had children and they had graduated from a French school fluent in all languages. The rest of the time was endured with Cecelia ‘over egging the pudding’ about her darling Granddaughter going to a French university and becoming a distinction student in all subjects. Yawn! Double Yawn! Thank god for Mary who made her excuses and we legged it.
Jim – Now I have to look at the harsh reality of home! I love my shop and my job and my flat doesn’t make me want to kill people any more. I live a good life now I have the business to run and my wife to be with me! Sadly holidays are always better than real life and we must look at getting on the plane and dealing with the feeling of impending doom wondering what bill or summons is on the mat behind the front door! Watch out England Jim Distortion and Sydonia Muncy are coming home!
Syd- So thoughts now have turned to home. And I really don’t want to come home at all. I kind of feel like I should dig my heels in a bit and point blank refuse to go. But I’m sure Jims Dad would want his house back to as it was before we came. I have loved every minuet of being here. I can’t even describe how different life is to the people over here. It is so quiet and stress free compared to the same in England, no traffic, no bustling people. Even at the supermarket it is empty and you have space to wander and shop as you please. I will miss Richard and Mary too and thank them for looking after us and making me feel very welcome. Also Gemma and Foukey the two dogs that have lived with us for the past week I will be sad to leave them behind. Especially Foukey who is such a little dude!
I think Jim may struggle to get me on the plane. Though I only have three months to wait before I m back to see this place again. Counting down the days already!
Syd and Jim’s Diary
Day 6 (cause Tuesday we didn’t do one!)
Jim – As the days go on I find it harder and harder to wake up in the actual morning! Today was no different apart from I actually didn’t make it up out of the bed till after twelve! Hunger pangs were a rumbling (god knows how as we have eaten more than is possible while here!). We have a usual set up for breakfast here and it involves bread cheese sausage and all the left over’s we can find!
Syd – Today I woke up with the millionth mosquito bite this one I’m sure is to turn into an apple just like the rest of them so I look slightly lumpy! Once again I wait for Jim to arise from his slumber that seems to last forever. I think to myself that he has enough time to sleep at home. He shouldn’t do it here as I have things to do and see! After Jim awakens fresh faced and hardly ready to go we had breakfast! Smoked salmon for breakfast life ain’t so bad is it?
Jim- Oh crap, a long drive in the wrong way round car! We have only ever driven short journeys so far so today I steer my lefty ship on the French roads and hope for the best! It’s hot really hot and I’m finding it hard not to shove my head out the window dog style as I drive along to keep cool but I think the Gendarme would frown upon it! Off to the seaside come on beach here we come!
Syd – Finally we set off me smothered in a litre of sun cream as my ginger bonce and pasty freckled skin can’t take the heat of the French midday sun. Jims driving this time and his driving is frankly awful. We had a small discussion over the fact that his right side of the car where I was sitting was too close to a car that he was over taking! He could not come to terms with the fact that he was only a few inches away from taking his wing mirror off. Silence prevailed for the rest of the journey…
Jim – silence my ass my driving was tip top it’s not my fault if I like to cut it fine and make sexy driving moves like Starsky and Hutch did!! (Syd – you knob head!)
Jim – We arrived at St Thomas which had the longest whitest beach with some great blue water on it so me and Jenson Button over there decided to go walking all the way along it! I loved it ill be honest walking on the breaking waves with my woman in hand I actually had a great walk until I saw this ……there was an old man browed out by the sun and he was walking along with his woman who looked like the inside of a beech bag (all crinkly and dark) they suddenly stopped and as sure as im sat here he just put his hand on her ass! This wouldn’t have been so bad but his fingers were so far in between her bum cheeks that he must have been inside her! She then turned round and weighed up his ass cheeks with her hands at this pointed I fainted full away with the vapours!
Syd – Jims right it was that bad this wrinkly old pair of crustiness really were getting it on at the beach and did not give a damn! Apart from that the beech was lovely we walked all the way round the bay which was along way through the waves enjoying each others company! The sun shone out at stupid degrees literally was roasting our skin.
Jim – We walked our way back round the bay and drove along to the next beech which was TOURIST HEAVEN with flashing lights ice creams and restaurants along with marauding teenagers and more sexually very active OAP’s! This place was called Royan and once we had found the port it turned into a cool place with loads of boats and fishing and seaside stuff to look at! Looking back now though I was a tourist and Heaven it wasn’t no it really wasn’t the signpost was wrong!
Syd – After we walked from the beech we walked up to the a-joining town where everything was AGAIN CLOSED! Nothing in France ever seems to be open it is really strange! Maybe me and Jim are on a different time zone. Im starting to believe this is true. So we decided to leave there and drive on to the next town. All the seafront houses are not like the ones in England, Imagine a typical ghost house with all the turrets and weird architectural details this is the sort of house that was along the seafront it was a kind of jolly ghost town which to me didn’t sit well. The highlight of this place was yumming up loads of ice-cream as that was the only shop that was open!
Jim – We left tourist heaven and we carried on up towards the estuary a bit where there were rock pools and a slightly more interesting beech. We parked the car and climbed down to the beech and went straight to the rock pools over the million degree sand! I was looking for crabs while Syd was taking photos of the pools and the sea which you will see in the slide show below! Old people heaven this beech was to it really was!
Syd – What Jim must have noticed though I have just discovered he didn’t was the fact that the French women don’t mind getting their boobies out! Not like young boobies these were little saggy old boobies and there were quite a number of them obviously the French aint as prudish as the English!
Jim – However bad my driving got I never was as bad as Evil Kenival Frenchie who was driving a very fucked up Renault Laguna, he came head on towards us as we driving through the town on the way home and just before Whammo he span the car level gave a leer and drove off into the sunset, which to be honest was about five hours away but it seemed this was the effect he was after! This made all my driving indiscretions go away as he now became the point of Syd’s driving anger! Nice one Alfonse! We set off with no further car acrobatics and spent the whole rest of the journey not quite knowing if we would ever make it home again as we weren’t quite sure where we were!
Syd – That stupid idiot almost killed us what was he thinking driving like that he drifted around that corner like a member of a Japanese driving crew.
Jim thinks we are lost the whole way home but we weren’t because I was recognising things we had gone past on the way! Every time we had gone past something Jim decided to remind us that we had seen it before and that we must be going the right way but still didn’t believe it himself! Finally we made it home completely frazzled by the sun and overheated. Thank God for Mary cooking us dinner as it seems that both of our brains have stopped working.
Jim – this was the hardest diary to write due to brain melt down due to over baking from the sunshine (Jealous much?)
Syd and Jim’s Diary
Day 4 (cause Sunday we didn’t do one!)
Jim – I woke with a start wondering what un balance in the ethos had jostled me from my slumber and saw directly above my head a swallow diving about in my bedroom! Drugs again is it? I thought and then realised id been clean for two and a half years! I went to get up to get the bird out but it flew out the minute I was fully conscious!
Syd – I can do better than that, not only did I see the bird that Jim saw but I saw a second one fly in straight after. It was rather odd it was like a scene from the Matrix only a bird version with agile arial dog fighting.
Jim – I was loving the fact that at no time today did l actually have to get up! There is no work for Syd to get up and go to. There was no work for me to get up and go to (not that I mind mine as its fun) and I made the most of it and laid in the warm double bed reading and dozing until the offer of going to lunch was put in front of me! I love the lazy life.
Syd – I have nothing to say about this at all! Jim spends far too much time in bed for my liking there are things to do and see!
Jim – I finally got out of bed and was looking out the window when I saw my second worst fear heading towards my dad’s dog! It was a snake and it looked like a viper that was seen two days earlier jumping into trees! I did what any cool thinking man would do and panicked! I called out to Fouky the dog and said to get away! I ran down the stairs and luckily the dog had listened and come inside!
Syd – On the way to the farm from the airport Mary had told this brilliant story about this snake she had seen jump from a water butt into a tree. She didn’t know if it had gone from the area or not so today I was up in the bedroom and Jim was hanging out the window, all of a sudden he screams out “FOUKY!” then shouted “oh my god it’s the snake!” and legs it down stairs to rescue the dog who had taken and interest in the slithery nightmare and was trying to sniff it, stupid dog! I followed Jim down the stairs grabbing my camera on the way and was blocked in my last seconds at the door from getting out there and taking photos by a concerned Jim who thought id be eaten alive by a Viper, destroying my possibilities of ever becoming the next David Attenborough!
Jim – Wouldn’t you stop her???????
Jim – My dad told us we were being taken out for lunch so I jumped in the car and drove Syd and him to a place that really was in the middle of nowhere but had a truck stop in it! Now a truck stop in England is a greasy spoon with even greasier people in it eating greasy food who happen to be lorry drivers! This place was a lovely bar/restaurant which sold Leffe blond and Stella and served a four course meal for a great price!
When we got there and were seated we were told that the Plate du jour was Ostrich! Now i can take a joke but really! Yes it really was Ostrich. As it turns out these people knew how to cook it as it came as a stew with a rich dark sauce and added potatoes it was lovely so the three of us stopped talking for a few and got it down our necks. The only bad thing was the lorry driver who was playing spot the tattooed Englishman! He wouldn’t look away until I stared right back and said loudly in English “do you want a picture it’ll last longer!” at this point it was pointed out that maybe this was not the place for a fight! It’s a long time since my dad decided if I fought or not! lol
Syd – So we rocked up to this truck stop, not exactly as I expected no greasy mushrooms here or half cooked sausages. The only thing you can get here is the dinner of the day and if you don’t like it then you have no choice. As it happens you had to like Ostrich today as this is what was served. It turns out Ostrich is quite nice it tastes like a slightly sweater beef, and I would have it again. I then moved on to the cheese course which turned out to be very funny as there was one cheese board for the whole restaurant, though I would say it was rather large. As I was tucking into the goats cheese, id just cut the end off, the board was whipped out from beneath me and passed on to another table it transpires the cheese you are offered does not stay around long enough for it to be actually consumed. Lunch was super!
Jim – My father decided to culture us up a bit with a flying visit to Jonzac castle! This being the millionth castle I had been taken to by my dear papa my brain shut down and I went a wandering! I wonder how Syd got on with the History?
Syd – I enjoyed our trip to the Castle and Richard is very knowledgeable about French history after writing a number of books including The Unseen Terror about the French Revolution in the provinces (available on Amazon)! What ever Jim thinks about the enforced learning he can kiss my ass I as really enjoy it all. You can never know too much! We had a look round the castle and the town and took some pictures which will be in the slideshow at the bottom of the post. Also something I noticed quickly is that I have been here three days now and have not seen a small shop open how odd! How do they make their money?
Jim – Even though the small town shops never seem to open as Syd said, the large ones do! L.Eclerc is a large player in the ‘buy all here’ game in France and we went in there with a will to buy food! Not just some food but all of the food we could! I bought mini barrels of beer all the meat I could find as well as four HUGE Salmon fillets for lunch tomorrow! Everything here is bigger better faster stronger in the food world but by no means cheaper as the bill came to 150 Euros oooops don’t tell Syd!
Syd – While Jim was excelling himself with buying over the top beer barrels I had a more cunning plan of sliding in ice creams and chocolates as well as French patisserie cakes without him noticing until he had to hand the money over for the bill! OOOps look what I bought! Looks like we are equal after all!
Perhaps not that equal after all as I got distracted by a stall of shiny things on the way out and purchased a silver and Amber broach in the shape of an art pallet I couldn’t help it, it was shiny!
Jim – There comes a time in every holiday where walking must be taken on to see the surrounding country side that cannot be taken in from a car window! Well that is what I’m told anyway! Me and Syd left the safety of our farm house and went a walking down the road to see some local animals some planned some not!
Syd – During this walk we came across a donkey sanctuary which is cool as I like horses and donkeys so we fed them carrots and carried on walking. We came across the biggest Hornet on the planet it just had to be. It must have measured three inches long and had a vivid red head. Once again Jim scuppered my plans to take photographic evidence of this odd beasty!
Jim – Since the fearful snake episode we still went to sit in the garden and read before dinner but we had one eye always on the bushes waiting for the snake to come get us! Living in fear I tell you, fear! Or we could just go inside?
Syd – Because of the snake episode just one question for you all! Is Ghost mouse still alive?……………
Syd and Jim we were both told today that we may not get home due to volcano ash in the air! Oh what a shame!
Syd and Jims diary
Jim – I didn’t wake up to a cockerel. I woke up to the site of my wife to be’s back as she watched out of the window the cockerel that had woken her up.
Syd – O god what is that noise, where am i? A cockerel? Huh?! This is how I woke up. To be honest I had a little bit of a disturbed night what with my pre-set alarm going off on my phone at half past 3 and Gemma the dog barking at invisible aeroplanes. Now morning avec le cockerel!
Jim – Now, car hire is of course an option but only for people with credit cards it would appear! I being the most blacklisted being in the world can’t get a credit card so there for, no hire car for me! This was circumvented by Adele who is a great friend of Mary’s who simply said “Have my car for the week I’ve got another one!” Talk about my luck changing for this holiday! Alright the cab didn’t turn up to take us to the airport but we got another one and now there is a really nice car in the drive way waiting for our bums on its seats and to whisk us off to unknown lands!
Syd – I also am black listed beyond doubt so therefore I cannot get a hire car either. So the kindness of the people living over here again excels itself to the lending of a free car which we are exceedingly happy about.
Jim – we jumped in the car and Syd drove us to the little village so we could forage for food to fill our stomachs for the coming day. She drove great considering the wheel was on the wrong side of the car and we were on the wrong side of the road. We found the co – op yes even in France the co – op is king lol! Jambon Pain et le fromage simple pleasure but it was great to sit out on the terrace and consume fresh everything! The best thing about France is fresh everything.
Syd – Of course im the only one with proof of an actual driving licence though we both claim to have them so therefore I am driver and this is scary as I have never driven on the damn wrong side of the road before. It turned out not too bad apart from the constant stalling of the car in the most awkward of places but I didn’t kill anyone too much. The only thing I would say is its hard not to reach for the invisible gear stick on the left hand side in these French cars? Made it to the co – op inside we were greeted by a barrage of French through which I stood there goldfish like and a little bit dumb. The woman behind the counter didn’t realise we were English of course and Jim dealt with it with his pigeon French. Breakfast was great thanks for asking!!
Jim – After Breakfast we were told that there were guests joining us for our evening meal and spending the night! This was all good until I heard myself say “Its ok ill cook for all six of us no worries!” What the hell was I thinking! Anyway I asked Syd to come help me shop and she came in the afore mentioned car and we set off for Mirambeau! We went to Super U which is a smallish supermarket where we proceeded to spend a kings ransom on the biggest piece of pork I have ever seen vegetables and all manor of goodies to wow my father’s guests! Super U is much like a Tesco’s just with better food quality larger prices and far far less staff but all this said we managed to buy everything we needed to get the job done! Driving home I had a go at the left hand drive car on the right hand side roads and just drove as I normally do fast and a little erratically but we made it home safe and even managed to take some photos on the way!
Syd – I must say the French super markets are truly excellent the difference in the quality and the amount of food in them compared to England is quite vast. All the fruit and vegetable produce looked immaculate and incredibly fresh. The fish cheese and meat counters were twice the size of the ones we have back at home and have every type of fish and meat you can think of, I even saw a lamb’s brain for sale mmmmm yum! Another thing we noticed was the complete outrage of the French at Jim’s choice of skin adornment it turns out that tattooing is not seen as ordinary as it is in England!
Syd and Jim – Just to let you know we both bought sunglasses and now look exceptionally cool thank you very much that is all.
Jim – I was a bit worried about Syd at one point as she has completely disappeared! I’m shouting her name and the dogs are chasing about but she was no where to be found as she was Lizard hunting right down the garden! Yes Lizard hunting ill let her tell you,
Syd – Mary gave me an SD card for my camera as I left mine back in England. So now I can take photos and as I had noticed a lizard that lived in a lavender bush on a tour of the garden with Jim’s Dad this had become my obsession to capture this lizard on film or in this case on an SD card. So I spent quite a lot of time pretending to be a statue holding my breath waiting for the lizard to perform. Eventually I did capture him and you can see the evidence of this in the slideshow at the bottom of this post! My next mission is to capture last night’s ghost mouse also on my camera! Watch this space.
Jim – Finally we get to the end of this busy day but not before the small matter of cooking for 6 people, 2 of which I didn’t know or I thought I didn’t any way! I asked Syd to be my sous chef and we worked well together like an oiled machine and we set about veg and meat both and prepped it all in record time! I was ok with it all timings were all good and cooking was going swimmingly until I realised we had a fan oven and the meat was done way earlier than it should have been! Me being on the ball enough to realise it was done was a miracle so I took it out and set it to rest while I manically ran around trying to hurry the veg along to be ready sometime before the world ended! Its all came together so well im happy to say especially the gravy! I have never made gravy from meat juices and wine before but with a little help from my sous chef (actually she saved the whole thing from being shite) we sat at the table and we ate the best dinner I think I have ever cook! Great time for a bit of luck right!?
It turns out the guests weren’t unknown to me as the man Bob used to sell me fish in Warwick way in London, small world or what?
Syd – I pealed potatoes, that is all!
Tip of the day if you have bitter gravy just add sugar and taste.